Dr. Karoline

This blog was intended to document my graduate school career.  For the most part, it did that. But there were things I didn't want to document.  Like the times I cried (a lot). Like the time I wondered what I was doing in Iowa.  Like the times the dissertation process left me feeling so lonely and isolated.  Like the times I felt so inept I just wanted to go home and fall into bed and pull the covers over my head-- and I did.  This journey wasn't easy and people ask if I would do it over again.  Well, I certainly wouldn't go back to grad school, but there were moments... Moments like when I figured out a hard problem, or moments when I could use my know-how to help others.  Moments, when I would  gaze out the window and realize I was doing exactly what life led me to do. 

To be honest, I love my field and I love my work.  It took a lot of self-sacrifice to finish, but I'm glad I did.  It took discipline. It took time, and some days, it took something way beyond myself.  Some days, I would work on my dissertation, but it wasn't really me working on it.  There was something else carrying me through, because some days, I wouldn't have made it if I was relying on my own volition.

I don't feel like a Dr. and when people refer to me as such, I kind of wonder who they are talking about.  I didn't endure four years of grad school for a title, I did it because I wanted to learn.  I had a passion and a curiosity, and I wanted to learn.  One thing I've learned along the way is that learning requires compassion.  It requires patience and it requires good teachers.  Sometimes I was more compassionate with myself than others. Some professors were more compassionate or patient than others. There was some hurt along the way. There were some successes, but in retrospect, I didn't do a good job of celebrating them like I needed and deserved to. I need to start celebrating again.
 
I'm excited about my new job which I love and offers me all sorts of opportunities to learn!

I've started rowing. I'm working on reclaiming my love of writing again (something that a dissertation violently gutted.)  I'm thinking about the future, whereas before I could hardly plan my day let alone a week or a month.  Books, fun books, have reentered my life and have become my routine as I tuck myself in at night and again when I wake up in the mornings.  I'm really enjoying reading again. 

Slowly, I'm starting to feel like myself, like a person again, and not a "student."  I'm done with school, but I'm not done with learning.  The Education of Karoline continues...




 

Perspective

Lately, I've been studying a lot of trees. You know, the whole metaphor about the forest and the trees. Graduate school has forced me to examine the trees-- it forced me to run my fingers along the bark, feel every jagged edge, notice every vein on every leaf, and monitor growth with every season. The trees forced me to realize how small I am.

I've noticed life in these trees, and the livelihoods that are supported by this forest. I've seen graduate students like myself climbing trees, or counting rings. We know these trees well, or we think we do.

But the forest is what I long for right now. I long for the the big picture. I long for connection with others, not just the fellow tree dwellers. I need that perspective. How do I reconnect with that perspective? How do I walk away from these trees, turn one hundred and eighty degrees and confidently look at the forest? I'm not sure right now. But maybe just being aware is a good start.

Tuesday

Tomorrow is my proposal meeting. Tonight, I will reread my proposal, visualize what tomorrow will be like and hopefully get some good sleep.

Today: I got a report done that I needed to do, and I spent some time job hunting...I wish this part were easy. I'm finding it hard to figure out how to balance priorities: mid-size mid-western city/ college town/ stay here; opportunity to grow; a job that feels right.... It has become obvious how I could become obsessed in this process, checking the job boards three or four times a day. I just want a job, the right job, a good job, a fun job, a paying job...

TGIF

Today: Met with my advisor to learn what I should expect next week. There are no more senior grad students than I, so when I need to know questions like "what should I expect?" There really isn't anyone around, but my advisor. And, as promised yesterday I did run a power analysis and then realized that I might not actually need to do one, or that the information may be futile anyway. Well, I guess if anyone asks me about it, I can at least say I did it.

I also drafted letters of communication to my subjects (whoever you are!) And naturally, left parts blank because I don't really know what I'm doing yet...

Tomorrow: Review my survey and proposal.

Cool things: Greg and I got to have breakfast with my dad this morning! He was traveling through and got share breakfast with us! I had a half of a cinnamon roll and fruit. Incidentally, for lunch I had a half of a cinnamon roll. (I may have also had two moon pies today.) I promise dinner will be healthier. Greg is making pasta and I am bringing spinach!

Update

I haven't exactly dropped off the planet, just writing for the fun of it has become less of a priority sadly. However, I decided I'm going to try to update with my daily progress. Writing a dissertation is, as my coworker says, "ponderous." Indeed it is. It isn't flashy, it isn't exciting, it is a long systematic process of learning, reading, writing, thinking, making mistakes, trying to predict the future, reminding yourself it's about the learning, looking back in hindsight, regretting in hindsight, and reminding yourself that you are YOU and not that student over there who seems to know so much more and be so much more capable than you; all the while avoiding inevitable job questions. Might I have digressed... ? PROGRESS! Yes, that is where I was going with all of this.

Progress for today: I drafted my IRB proposal (Institutional Review Board- Human Subjects protection-- making sure I'm not abusing anyone besides myself). I only left blank fields for things that won't be answered until my committee meeting on December 14th.

Tomorrow: Draft recruitment and follow up letters and perhaps a power analysis. Unfortunately, a power analysis is not nearly as gratifying as it sounds.

The Best Dissertation

I turned in a draft of my chapter 2 last night to my advisor; the first twenty pages of my dissertation. Lately, my motivation for writing, creating, developing anything outside my dissertation has waned. Forgive me for not having written in some time. I told someone today that I no longer have a to "do list", but more of a "dropped ball" list or a "fix it" list that has grown over the past two or three weeks from various things I have neglected. My appologies if you know you are on that list.

I'm motivated to get done with the dissertation process. And when I start beating up on myself for how lousy my writing is or how lazy I feel, when I just want to start all over, I just remind myself that

THE BEST DISSERTATION IS A DONE DISSERTATION

and keep plugging away.

Home

I'm all moved in for the most part. There may be a box or two I stuffed in the attic and several boxes of labeled "stuff" and "old" and "extra" that are hidden in closets, but I will get to those in due time. Unlike previous moves, I didn't devote enough attention to lightening my load from the last apartment to this apartment. Usually, I'm pretty good at parting with stuff I no longer find "beautiful or useful." This time as I unpack I have to ask myself if it is beautiful or useful; if not, I put it in the "stuff" pile.

Challenged by my boyfriend, Greg, I've been very conscious of how I am furnishing my new place. As a local business owner, he has made me very aware of supporting the local economy. I've soured all of the window treatments for my new apartment from a consignment shop for $21. Some of my rugs are consignment purchases, but I will admit to shopping at a big box store for some items. I'm trying...

My new place certainly feels like home. I love it here. I'm situated in a quite neighborhood with a sun room that looks into a verdant backyard with a red barn. Summer flowers dot the garden and tree frogs chirp in the evenings. My kitchen table is located in the sun room and when it is not serving as a table, it makes a fine work area. My goal was not to have an office as I don't really want office clutter around; I have that at work.

My oven is an antique and I'm still learning the ins and outs of cooking with an oven that has a manual thermometer. There are no bells to tell me the oven is preheated and I actually have to ignite the oven with a match before I use it. Old, but I love it!

It feels good to be home.

Moving time

It feels like 107 here today. That is not hyperbole, that is what the news says. It also feels like 107 inside my apartment because today seemed like a good day to clean my oven. For about the past four hours, it has been baking its insides at ungodly temperatures. I closed my kitchen door and try not to go into the kitchen much. I also forked over $55 to have my carpet cleaned today in preparation for my move on Monday. The good news is that the rest of my apartment in hardwood laminate flooring. The bad news is that everything that was in my bedroom is now in my living room. I really don't have much space: the bed is propped up against the wall, boxes are thrown on top of one another, some half open, some closed, some I'm not sure what they are doing. It is very hard to live in an apartment, pack an apartment and clean an apartment all at the same time.

My lease is up tomorrow. My new lease begins on August 1. You do the math. Renting in River City really stinks sometimes. But, this is par. Most places make you vacate on the 28th so they can clean, paint and prepare for the next tenants to move in. Fortunately, the person moving into my unit won't move in until mid-August and my landlord was gracious enough to let me stay until August 1. On the other end, the unit I am moving into won't be available until August 1. I don't have to move my stuff into storage or anything, but this is still logistically challenging to live and pack and clean at the same time.

Usually, I rely on the kindness of my dear friends to help me move. Considering that this move is going to be more difficult (small window of time, awkward furniture, second story up switchback stairs) I decided to hire movers. I pray they show up and do their job.

Bobble Head

A little over a year ago I experienced weird rocking and bobbing sensations after a train trip to and from Denver. Perplexed and confused, and having been advised by the internet to see a doctor if I had dizzy sensations for over a week, I made an appointment at the student health center. Doctor #1 didn't know what it was and referred me to the ENT. Dr. Resident #2 wasn't sure what it was. Dr. #3 knew what it was and diagnosed with me with Mal De Debarquement. He couldn't tell me much about it other than it should go away on its own. That was a year ago.

This past year I constantly felt like I was walking on a suspension bridge, my memory sputtered on occasion, and I learned the hard way that parades caused me to experience panic attacks. I later deduced that I had a sensitivity to scrolling movements (like parades) and taught myself to look away from the computer monitor if I have no other option but to scroll through a document. My symptoms interacted with stress, weather and hormones in ways that led to intense sensations of rocking compounded with cloudy thinking. Respite comes in my sleep, after shiatsu massages and sometimes out of the blue for no apparent reason.

From the beginning, Dr. #3 informed me of a prescription (with potential addictive properties and withdrawal symptoms). This past year was dedicated to avoiding said prescription and finding alternative ways to heal. It was not easy, especially with events like the death of a dear friend, comprehensive exams and the general feelings of inadequacy one picks up in grad school.

At my six month check up, Dr. #3 prescribed acupuncture and massage therapy because I felt that massage therapy was helping. He was very supportive in helping me avoid prescriptions; especially the one in particular that a physician friend characterized as having "street value". Insurance did not cover massages. The thought of filling the prescription to pay for massages briefly crossed my mind.

At the one year mark I started seeing a chiropractor, taking another prescription to help relax my body, and started sitting on a balance ball at work (after a year of rocking I was willing to try anything no matter how crazy it sounded). Mal de Debarquement has kept my hubris in check. I've learned that just because I have one good day that does not mean that I am cured; it just means that I had one good day- nothing more, nothing less. But I've noticed lately that I've been having more good days in a row. No, the bobbing and rocking is not gone, but it has subsided. I still know it could get better and it could get worse, but for now... I'm just appreciating the uptick in good days.

Spring to Summer

Spring has been lovely here. Unlike past years, it seems to have taken its time. Many showers kept the temps cool, the grass green and the flowers vibrant. The lilac and honeysuckle are amazing.

I turned down an internship this summer and honestly, I have very few pangs of regret. My summer job here is going well. The work is interesting, relevant and perhaps most importantly, if feels right. My work week is only 20 hours long, allowing for ample time to chat with friends over long lunches and the occasional lunch-hour workout. I could get used to working part time

Next weekend, Greg and I are traveling to New York City. Really, our destination is Coney Island. When India doesn't work out, at least there is Coney Island. Supposedly, Coney Island is going upscale and Greg wants to see it before it gets too polished. I have a friend in NYC I promised to visit. I expect it to be a great trip and not nearly as costly as India.

Photo Assignment

I don't really like any of the assignments I am supposed to be working on right now. So, I gave myself an assignment: Go for a walk in the woods and take pictures. LOVELY assignment, don't mind if I do.

Candidate

Having passed comps, I am now officially a "Ph.D. Candidate" whereas before, I was merely a "Ph.D. Student." Accordingly, I have changed my e-mail signature line to reflect the "promotion."

I'm also doing it because, well, I'm going on the market soon. Within six to eight months, I will begin an active job search. Tossing around the words "ABD" (all but dissertation) or "just passed my comps" or "candidate" are ways to drop hints. Surprisingly, people pick it up, as I learned last week at a conference. Some asked me what kind of work I am interested in doing. When will I start looking for a job. What my dissertation topic will be. One person apprised me of a job that was opening with Organization A within the year; another sent me info about jobs at Company B. A researcher from Organization C just wrote to ask for a paper I wrote for the conference.

So, anyway. I suppose I am sitting up straighter, smiling a bit wider, and making more confident eye contact these days. It seems that anyone could be an employer.

Whatever gets you through

My motivation in one particular class has been flagging. I’m not convinced that the professor actually reads our papers and I’m somewhat indifferent about any feedback he would provide anyway. A ten page paper was due yesterday. I pulled off an amazing feat: I wrote the paper in about 48 hours. Not wanting to spend any more time on it than was absolutely necessary, I made myself feel the pressure of completion. Maybe this is just a testament to my growth, but it didn’t really stress me out. Two year ago? Yes, I would have been a mess.

That isn’t to say that it was an easy paper to write. It wasn’t. Actually, it was excruciating considering the circumstances (prof, topic, motivation, etc.) But, I found something to help me through: The Decorah Eagles.

You probably heard about them. It seems anyone with an internet connection knows about them. For those not in the know, it is a web camera located in an eagles' nest. When I first started watching, I totally felt like I was violating their privacy. I soon overcame that feeling and started to appreciate this avian family. They helped me through the day. I keep one window open on my computer desktop so I can watch the eagles, the other window was open to the document I am working on. When I get bored or need a distraction, I watch the birds for a while, then I go back to work. It is the perfect study break. Yesterday, I got to watch the mama feed the little ones. Today, I’ve marveled at how the eagle sits so patiently on the young to keep them warm and protected.

Everyone has a trick to help them through their dissertation; I think one of mine is the Decorah Eagles.

http://www.ustream.tv/decoraheagles

I believe in balance. I believe in exploring my world. I believe I believe in helping others expand their worlds. So, today when I had the opportunity to introduce a Taiwanese friend to falafel sandwiches, I couldn't resist. Yes! Try something new! That is a pita. That is falafel! That is humus! You can get chicken on that sandwhich, too! Here, try this sauce! She wanted me to expand her world and I obliged. This particular student earned my respect from the beginning and has maintained it ever since. Gracious, joyous, wise and intelligent: she is a reminder to me to continually strive to be a better person. Today, I taught her the phrase "old soul," because that is what she is. She is also the one who helped me and guided me through comps. One thing neither of us expected post-comps was a slump we are both in. It resembles a case of senioritis, or something I felt as a teacher about one month before school was out for the summer. After learning the word "volition" in her ed psych class, my friend self diagnosed what we are both experiencing as a "volition problem." I suppose that is just as good of a description as any right now. All I know is that I sometimes find myself writing, I don't really care in the margins of my notes. Or unconsciously typing I'm very bored right now when I don't know what next to write in a paper. Another friend asked me yesterday what keeps me motivated. I'm not sure right now. I told her it was my own sense of dignity. Certainly, grad school can be very undignifying at times, so I suppose I was relieved to realize I still have some of it left, and it is worth working for. Dignity, and the faith that my world will expand again, soon. That is why I keep working.

Doors

I regretfully turned down the summer internship. Knowing it was the best thing to do, I am comfortable with my decision even if feelings of guilt or disappointment rise up.

You know how one door closes and another door opens?

Yesterday as I was contemplating the internship, a friend invited me and Greg to come visit and stay with her family in India this summer. S- and I have always talked about this possibility. I have always wanted to go to India. Greg has always wanted to go to India. My friend said, "We may never get this opportunity again." She is right. Granted, the summer in India is not ideal for travel. But... I may never have this opportunity again. At the beginning of this week, such trip wasn't even a consideration. But one door closed and one door cracked open.

Dilemma

I was offered an internship. It is a little of a dream project actually. But, it is on the East Coast for the entire summer. I want to be here in Iowa City instead. I want to enjoy the Midwest summer with Greg, I want to spend time with my sister, I want to just reconnect with what is important. I feel too old to be uprooting myself for 8 weeks for an internship. But it is a great opportunity... I asked if I could do some of the work from here. Thus, only requiring me to be gone for part of the time ... now, I just wait and see what the Universe has in store.

POST # 200

Hard to believe that this is post #200! Thank you to all of you who have followed me here.

Without telling you the gory details of the hour and 45 minutes in which I was grilled, I will tell you that I passed. I passed my comprehensive exams.

THE EXAMINATION TO END ALL EXAMINATIONS...

Amen.

At some point, I may write more about the exams and the process, but for now, I am tired and I want to sleep.

change in attitude

Better. I'm feeling better about oral comps. I studied some this weekend with a friend and that gave me some confidence. Also, I gave myself an attitude adjustment. I'm not caring so much about things right now...this is actually a healthy change. Maybe I should specify that I don't care so much about things that don't matter. I skipped an optional meeting on Friday to eat burritos with my boyfriend. I didn't apply to internships that I don't actually want. Tonight, I will have the stress of the week massaged away instead of fretting about a paper that is due in two weeks... I know it will get done. I'm saving my energy for me. If classwork does not directly relate to potential dissertation topics, I force it to. I worked out 4 of the last 6 days and am always surprised by what exercise does for my disposition.

The process

After 6 rounds of e-mail if looked like my oral comps were to happen in late March-- it is hard to get five profs together for 2 hours. One prof kindly backed out of my committee...well she is on my committee, but she made arrangements so that she doesn't have to show up to the meeting. That allowed me to reschedule comps for a week from tomorrow. Good: this is before spring break. Bad: this is soon! It is hard to keep balanced and keep my mind in check. I start admonishing myself: You are so stupid! You are probably the dumbest person to ever take these tests. You are going to get to orals and they won't even know where to begin, because you did so bad!

I know I'm being hard on myself. I know this. It doesn't make it easier.

I know I can study and plan to study ahead of time. But, studying feels like ripping a band aid off a wound right now. Going over my weak areas is picking at a scab right now, and I just don't want to study. BUT I HAVE TO. A wise and kind friend in the program has agreed to help me study this weekend and I am thankful for her walking me through this process.

The only way out is through...

Comprehensive Exams

Today I am just angry. Yesterday I got done with my exams and kind of felt relief. Today I got done and just had to go to my vacation office and lie down on top of my old desk-- like a self sacrifice on an academic alter. The only other grad student in the office wasn't at all surprised or take back by my actions. Having gone through the PhD comp experience last year, he viewed my behavior as completely rational. I began to just debrief the test; how bad it seemed, how hard parts of it were, how frustrated I felt. He assured me that everyone feels like they do much worse on the stats part of their test. That is some reassurance I suppose. He also assured me that the worst part is over.

Comprehensive exams are really just a form of hazing. Sure, I could take the academic route and justify them: they require one to become more familiar with the material, they require the student to take a more "comprehensive" look at the material. But personally, I just think it is a form of academic hazing.

Last night when I was up at 3 AM, I vowed to drop the only remaining class I have in which I am required to take tests. It is an elective and I don't need it anyway. Besides, I will probably just sit in on it and enjoy it much more. I was told it would cost $12 to drop the class and I said, It is worth every penny! If I can help it, I will never take another test again. And that makes me happy!

Sure, I still have my take home exam and I will start working on that soon. And I will have oral comps, but that will be better, because I have a better idea of what will be asked. But for now, I am just relaxing, and thinking about all of my friends and family and boyfriend who have encouraged me, sent me care packages, pears, cards, and good thoughts during this time. I am so thankful for all of the support I've received during these past few weeks. I'm thankful.