My Agenda

I did not get the internship.

While I was a "strong candidate," they could not offer me an internship at this time. Really, I'm fine with this. I will stay in IC, maybe grow a garden, bike some, run some, work some, and recoup before my final year of coursework (!)

Today, I visited with my adviser for an hour. This is a special treat. Usually, I get a half an hour-- max. I was expecting to talk about summer options for employment, instead we talked about internships for next summer, course work and a research.

Good news--- life seems manageable. If all goes according to plan, I will only take two classes each semester next year.

Good news---comps. I have taken all but one class I need to comp in and I've survived. I will be sitting in on my Theory class again next year and strangely looking forward to it...sort of.

Research--- I solicited advice on research, looking for topics, ideas, research that can springboard me into particular career areas; a "research agenda" some call it. I'm feeling a bit lost with respects to research and realize that it can be a lonely thing to do by oneself. So, I asked my adviser for advice--- and her response?

I think what you need to do is follow your heart.

Not a bad agenda I suppose.

Early in the moring

It is not often that I wake up before dawn and have to consistently deny the urge to get out of bed and start typing. But, the inexplicable urge hit strong this morning.

Sometimes you cross a bridge and only in retrospect do you realize, “Wow, I just crossed that bridge.” That happened yesterday in a conversation with a professor. I needed to talk with her about my future plans. I’d felt myself becoming disconnected and listing a bit. That has been on my mind a lot lately. Questions of what am I doing here? Is this the best use of my time? And, is this really helping me? What is it that I really want to be doing? Should I just get my masters and move on?

In her cut to the chase manner she asked, Geography. Where do you want to go?

I’ve been practicing this response over and over several times, not too much out loud, but in my mind, for certain.

Iowa. I think I would like to stay in Iowa City, or there are a few other cities in Iowa I would consider, but I think I would like to stay in Iowa.

I feared her judgment. Who really wants to stay in Iowa?

My fears were allayed when she bypassed her usually disapprovals and went straight to, This is what you have to do...

She gave honest advice that was difficult to hear, but at least it was real advice.

The Buck Stops With the Intern

It was a total craps shoot; like I'm discovering most things in grad school seem to be. But, I applied to a couple of internships for this summer. Why? Because I suppose it is what you do. For "experience." Had you asked me in February, it would have taken two hands to list the names of places to which I intended to apply. Today, I can tell you just using just two fingers. Coursework and lack of motivation hindered me. Mind you, these internships are much more competitive than one might expect. Around the office, we have our own March Madness...interviews, internship offers, second interviews, job offers; we need brackets to organize everyone's advancements.

About a week ago, I received an e-mail from one of the two internships to which I applied. When I saw the subject line, I sunk. I've been conditioned now to just expect rejection. (I've experienced my share of rejection letters this past year for various things.) I've become so conditioned, that I now skip the first sentence and go strait to the second sentence, "We regret to inform you..." or "However..." But, this email was different, I actually made the cut. I was shocked.

So, I had my phone interview last week. It went okay. I didn't nail the interview, but I didn't fail it either. It was probably an adequate showing for my first interview in over 6 years. One of the questions, though, surprised me. Here, these national experts with PhDs punctuating their names, who get paid the big bucks, asked me one question. It was a challenging one. One to which there was not a right answer, yet one one on which major policy decisions are contingent upon the answer. I gave a nervous chuckle and responded, "That is a really good question." They replied, "there is no right answer, we just want to know what you would say, this is what we deal with on a daily basis." I gave the best answer I could, stumbled my way through, feeling my confidence plummet.

I honestly don't think I got the job and would be really happy to just hanging out in Iowa City this summer. Part of me doesn't want the internship because of the hassle it will create in my life. I came here because I wanted to learn; not necessarily because I want a lucrative job post graduation; I was just really curious about decision making, research, statistics, testing. I wanted to know how tough decisions were made, what inferences could legitimately be drawn. I wanted to know who has the power to mold such policy, and I learned... in some cases, it is the intern.

Nice Things!

I was told I needed to do more nice things for myself by a friend. Already, I do several things for myself. I always do my dishes, make the bed, do my laundry, go to the grocery store, take out the trash, clean the apartment, etc. I do all of that stuff for myself, but I don't do a lot of nice things for myself. I don't tell myself that I am thoughtful, creative, funny, have wonderful friends who care about me and for whom I care a lot about, I have a family that loves me deeply, I have a sister who listens to me, and I live in a state I am growing fond of (slowly), I am part of a faith community that values me, I knit, I ski, I walk if I can, I live relatively simply, I'm adventurousness but pragmatic. So today, I told myself all of that. Let me just say it was the best walk home I've had in a long time! Instead of beating myself up over everything I didn't do, learn, accomplish, say-- I went through the list of what I AM instead of the list of deficits.

Maybe a new resolution is to do something nice for myself everyday. Not because I earned it. But because I need to treat myself well and be kind to myself. What a nice thing to do!

So here is my resolution: I am doing one nice thing for myself everyday. Not just things for myself and not just because I think I deserve it or earned it.

And guess what!---I am getting a massage this evening! While I made the appointment last week, I couldn't have foreseen what a perfect day this would be to get a massage. I can't wait!