Dr. Karoline

This blog was intended to document my graduate school career.  For the most part, it did that. But there were things I didn't want to document.  Like the times I cried (a lot). Like the time I wondered what I was doing in Iowa.  Like the times the dissertation process left me feeling so lonely and isolated.  Like the times I felt so inept I just wanted to go home and fall into bed and pull the covers over my head-- and I did.  This journey wasn't easy and people ask if I would do it over again.  Well, I certainly wouldn't go back to grad school, but there were moments... Moments like when I figured out a hard problem, or moments when I could use my know-how to help others.  Moments, when I would  gaze out the window and realize I was doing exactly what life led me to do. 

To be honest, I love my field and I love my work.  It took a lot of self-sacrifice to finish, but I'm glad I did.  It took discipline. It took time, and some days, it took something way beyond myself.  Some days, I would work on my dissertation, but it wasn't really me working on it.  There was something else carrying me through, because some days, I wouldn't have made it if I was relying on my own volition.

I don't feel like a Dr. and when people refer to me as such, I kind of wonder who they are talking about.  I didn't endure four years of grad school for a title, I did it because I wanted to learn.  I had a passion and a curiosity, and I wanted to learn.  One thing I've learned along the way is that learning requires compassion.  It requires patience and it requires good teachers.  Sometimes I was more compassionate with myself than others. Some professors were more compassionate or patient than others. There was some hurt along the way. There were some successes, but in retrospect, I didn't do a good job of celebrating them like I needed and deserved to. I need to start celebrating again.
 
I'm excited about my new job which I love and offers me all sorts of opportunities to learn!

I've started rowing. I'm working on reclaiming my love of writing again (something that a dissertation violently gutted.)  I'm thinking about the future, whereas before I could hardly plan my day let alone a week or a month.  Books, fun books, have reentered my life and have become my routine as I tuck myself in at night and again when I wake up in the mornings.  I'm really enjoying reading again. 

Slowly, I'm starting to feel like myself, like a person again, and not a "student."  I'm done with school, but I'm not done with learning.  The Education of Karoline continues...