Doors

I regretfully turned down the summer internship. Knowing it was the best thing to do, I am comfortable with my decision even if feelings of guilt or disappointment rise up.

You know how one door closes and another door opens?

Yesterday as I was contemplating the internship, a friend invited me and Greg to come visit and stay with her family in India this summer. S- and I have always talked about this possibility. I have always wanted to go to India. Greg has always wanted to go to India. My friend said, "We may never get this opportunity again." She is right. Granted, the summer in India is not ideal for travel. But... I may never have this opportunity again. At the beginning of this week, such trip wasn't even a consideration. But one door closed and one door cracked open.

Dilemma

I was offered an internship. It is a little of a dream project actually. But, it is on the East Coast for the entire summer. I want to be here in Iowa City instead. I want to enjoy the Midwest summer with Greg, I want to spend time with my sister, I want to just reconnect with what is important. I feel too old to be uprooting myself for 8 weeks for an internship. But it is a great opportunity... I asked if I could do some of the work from here. Thus, only requiring me to be gone for part of the time ... now, I just wait and see what the Universe has in store.

POST # 200

Hard to believe that this is post #200! Thank you to all of you who have followed me here.

Without telling you the gory details of the hour and 45 minutes in which I was grilled, I will tell you that I passed. I passed my comprehensive exams.

THE EXAMINATION TO END ALL EXAMINATIONS...

Amen.

At some point, I may write more about the exams and the process, but for now, I am tired and I want to sleep.

change in attitude

Better. I'm feeling better about oral comps. I studied some this weekend with a friend and that gave me some confidence. Also, I gave myself an attitude adjustment. I'm not caring so much about things right now...this is actually a healthy change. Maybe I should specify that I don't care so much about things that don't matter. I skipped an optional meeting on Friday to eat burritos with my boyfriend. I didn't apply to internships that I don't actually want. Tonight, I will have the stress of the week massaged away instead of fretting about a paper that is due in two weeks... I know it will get done. I'm saving my energy for me. If classwork does not directly relate to potential dissertation topics, I force it to. I worked out 4 of the last 6 days and am always surprised by what exercise does for my disposition.

The process

After 6 rounds of e-mail if looked like my oral comps were to happen in late March-- it is hard to get five profs together for 2 hours. One prof kindly backed out of my committee...well she is on my committee, but she made arrangements so that she doesn't have to show up to the meeting. That allowed me to reschedule comps for a week from tomorrow. Good: this is before spring break. Bad: this is soon! It is hard to keep balanced and keep my mind in check. I start admonishing myself: You are so stupid! You are probably the dumbest person to ever take these tests. You are going to get to orals and they won't even know where to begin, because you did so bad!

I know I'm being hard on myself. I know this. It doesn't make it easier.

I know I can study and plan to study ahead of time. But, studying feels like ripping a band aid off a wound right now. Going over my weak areas is picking at a scab right now, and I just don't want to study. BUT I HAVE TO. A wise and kind friend in the program has agreed to help me study this weekend and I am thankful for her walking me through this process.

The only way out is through...

Comprehensive Exams

Today I am just angry. Yesterday I got done with my exams and kind of felt relief. Today I got done and just had to go to my vacation office and lie down on top of my old desk-- like a self sacrifice on an academic alter. The only other grad student in the office wasn't at all surprised or take back by my actions. Having gone through the PhD comp experience last year, he viewed my behavior as completely rational. I began to just debrief the test; how bad it seemed, how hard parts of it were, how frustrated I felt. He assured me that everyone feels like they do much worse on the stats part of their test. That is some reassurance I suppose. He also assured me that the worst part is over.

Comprehensive exams are really just a form of hazing. Sure, I could take the academic route and justify them: they require one to become more familiar with the material, they require the student to take a more "comprehensive" look at the material. But personally, I just think it is a form of academic hazing.

Last night when I was up at 3 AM, I vowed to drop the only remaining class I have in which I am required to take tests. It is an elective and I don't need it anyway. Besides, I will probably just sit in on it and enjoy it much more. I was told it would cost $12 to drop the class and I said, It is worth every penny! If I can help it, I will never take another test again. And that makes me happy!

Sure, I still have my take home exam and I will start working on that soon. And I will have oral comps, but that will be better, because I have a better idea of what will be asked. But for now, I am just relaxing, and thinking about all of my friends and family and boyfriend who have encouraged me, sent me care packages, pears, cards, and good thoughts during this time. I am so thankful for all of the support I've received during these past few weeks. I'm thankful.

Advices

As a study break I thought I'd post the advice I've received thus about my comprehensive exams:

Remember that time is on your side.

Watch the time, don't let it get away from you.

Study everything.

This test is only an hour long, so we can't test you on everything.

If you don't know something, it is best to leave it blank. Don't make something up.

Don't leave anything blank. That is when people really get into trouble-- when they leave something blank.