Train Brain

I don't speak much of my "train brain," but it is still present. I've experienced it for 5.5 months now. The feeling that I am barreling through life in train or in a bobbing boat accompanies me all the time. I never get respite and if I do, it is literally for a few seconds to a few minutes. I've started to get very frustrated and angry about it. Train brain (as I now refer to it) is something I could do without. Granted, it could be worse, but this is not fun. If the symptoms do not subside in the next few weeks, I return to the ENT for a conversation in which we talk about putting me on serious drugs. I don't like drugs. I don't have Tylenol/ Advil/ (I might have some expired Alieve) in the house and only take allergy meds when it is downright necessary. So, the thought of being put on drugs is of concern to me.

With the appointment date fast approaching, I'm doing everything I can to get better. Stress is one factor I've noticed that aggravates my condition. As a grad student, you can imagine this is a wee bit inconvenient. However, I'm doing what is in my control to help reduce my stress (which incidentally means I have to release control of somethings... go figure.) So I'm working on healing myself and trying to make this situation better. Such measures include; moving slowly and deliberately, breathing deeply, sometimes sitting still for 15 minutes and not thinking or doing ANYTHING, and receiving massage therapy weekly. My symptoms are reduced, but I'm not back to normal yet. The train is slowing, but it is not in the station.

two ways out

I'm tired of grad school. But, there are only two ways out. One is pretty disappointing, the other is just really hard. I'm taking the hard route. I'll get out sometime.

Itch

I'm getting an itch. It happens every 2-4 years. I get restless. I start seeking. I need something different. I've been in Iowa for two years now, so it doesn't surprise me that I'm starting to feel this impulse. Everyday, I search job postings across the country, hoping to find one in Iowa. I search the usual suspects in Iowa, hoping to find a job locally. Realistically, I'm not serious about a job; I still have coursework and comps this year. But I am looking. I'm ready for something different. I'm ready to work full time again. Hopefully, I will be able to soothe my itch when the time is right.

One week down

I'm liking this academic year.

1. Although it is completely premature and unwarranted, I was "promoted" to the window seat in the office. This coveted real estate, has been occupied by the giants of the graduate program. It is where you sit to write your dissertation, it is where younger grad students seek the wisdom of sages, it is where those in their last year glance out the window, pondering the sky, the traffic, the snow, the eagles, all while beefing up their CV and searching for jobs. I don't belong in this seat, but it is where I am.

2. I'm taking less of a course-load and I'm not feeling guilty. Granted, I'm sitting in on one class (and doing all the work for it) without receiving credit for it. I'm still busy, I still have a lot to learn, but classes seem manageable and for the most part, they accentuate my strengths, not exploit my weaknesses.

3. My classes are really interesting! Of particular interest, is a course in legal issues in the field... How to avoid law suits. The professor is convinced the most efficient way to get hired or to receive a promotion once hired is to take this course. She might be right.

Love

An acquaintance from the program stopped me today; a foreign student from an Asian country. It was just the two of us and she asked me, "Can I ask you a question?" Usually when a foreign student asks ME a question, I can tell you it has nothing to do with statistics. More often than not, I am the go to person on American culture, idioms, phrases and grammar. For instance, what does 'to bear witness' mean? Or the advantages of playing a band instrument over an orchestra instrument in American schools; are there more scholarships available for violin players over flute players? Today's question was different.

Do you tell your parents that you love them?

Yes, I do. I tell them when I talk to them on the phone, it is usually how I say goodbye to them. And my sister too! I tell her I love her. And they tell me that they love me too.

She explained that she saw a picture that a child drew for his/her mother and had written on the picture, "I love you SOOOOO much!"

She went on to tell me that for her generation, her country and in her family no one really expresses LOVE. I explained that it is common for families to express love for each other, but for some families and some relationships, it might be more difficult for individuals to express love. But, that in general, it is common for parents and children to tell each other that they love each other. It is also common for husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends to tell each other they love one another. Not to limit love, I even explained that I tell my friends I love them. We chuckled about the differences between love and that love is a versatile word, and really depends upon the relationship and context as to what it means.

Then she told me, I think I'm going to start when I have children and tell them that I love them.

You can imagine I was wildly supportive of this idea and encouraged it. Yeah, and sometimes your kids will make you angry and frustrate you, but you love them anyway! I said as I mimicked a big bear hug.

It is such a good idea! I just think it is good for me to be told that I am loved and to tell people I love them... like, in the movies. I think that is good.

I assured her that it is.

The Final Countdown

The countdown for the new semester has started. In one week, my official obligations begin. Today, I purchased a nice Moleskin planner to help me try to consolidate my many calendars. I've also begun a final push to get a project done. Because I didn't write a thesis for my masters degree, I have to do a project. At first I thought it could be like a 15 page paper, you know. Something "easy." Oh, no. Not so easy. Much much much more complex, with little guidance. I'm around page 15 right now and I still have a long way to go. My goal initially was to get this project done at the end of last semester. The goal morphed into "by the end of June." Now, I want to just get it done before school starts. But it is going to take some serious concentration and a concerted effort. While I technically have until February to get this done, I don't want to wait until then. I don't want this looming as I begin the semester. I want it to be done! As the summer winds down, I'm begining my warmup for the academic year-- working steadfast to get this paper done. In my good moments, I feel on top of the world and proud of my work. It my not so good moments, I fell like I have no idea and like I just want someone to throw me a bone or as I mentioned earlier today, just tell me what I'm supposed to say, write, do.

In other news, I discovered that I get to sit in on my horrible class that I had to take last year. I requested, not to take the class for credit, but to sit in so that I may have repeated exposure to the material. I suppose I'm satisfied with this and I do expect to get more out of the material this time around. And honestly, it is a releaf that I'm not taking it for credit, but taking it to relearn what I didn't get the first time around.

Unscripted

Sometimes I just want answers. I want cues. I want someone to whisper in my ear, "Your line is..." when I don't know or am uncertain as to what my line really is.

I keep waiting though, thinking that someone will provide me the script. Like, I can read it over like a Hollywood actress studying the dialogue and memorizing my parts. And how silly is it that still find myself stunned when my waiting is met with silence? There is no script. I find myself ad-libbing quite a bit.