Guilty Pleasures

You know it is that time of the semester when you start joking about things like breakfast and showers being guilty pleasures.

My People

To get through grad school you need good classmates. This is not an opinion; it is fact. I wouldn't have gotten this far if it weren't for my classmates. They are like family in a way. We spend crazy, ungodly amounts of time working in the office at absurd hours of the day and night. We witness each others' celebrations and most vulnerable moments.

We don't choose each other as classmates, we are here by chance--some crazy chance that we were born into the same academic clan. There are classmates I would choose not to have as classmates and there are classmates I am downright protective of. When I leave, I will miss these people.

Today, I presented in class. During the questioning portion when I was questioned (interrogated) about my project by another classmate, I looked over to the corner of the room and saw one friend smiling and nodding her head at me, kind of like can you believe this!? These questions are insane! In that moment, I knew...I'm not sure what I knew...but I knew everything was okay.

Now What?

People in the program are moving on. An office-mate defended his dissertation today and will be moving on. Two more dear friends in the program are leaving after this semester to proceed toward bigger and better things. I'm so happy for them! But, there is a bit of concern-- purely selfish of course. These people were always my "go to" people. Whenever I have a question about the program, or stats or anything I didn't understand, I go to them. Yes, all chronologically younger than I, but certainly more advanced.

Today, another classmate and I were talking about how we are going to cope when we are no longer able to just sit down and ask questions of these "expert" grad students. I might have to find new "expert" grad students, because, God knows, I'm no expert yet.

Place

Why is it now a novelty, a Ripley's Believe It or Not- type phenomenon, to know people who have grown up and lived and died all in the same town; all in the same place. I've met people who departed this world less than five miles from where they first entered this life. People who wouldn't have wanted it any other way. As a wanderer and a person with more residences in my life than I care to count, I am fascinated by people who stay put. I don't think I was meant to say put. I think I was meant to live in all of my residencies, I wouldn't have been satisfied residing in Kansas after college; I needed to explore. Wanderlust is a weakess and a strength.

And now my exploring has brought be back, here, about an hour from where I was born. And all I can think sometimes is how lucky I am. How lucky that I get to come back here. I get to experience the same dusk that I experienced as a child. The light that gently stretches in my room at 8:00 is the same tone, density and feel as I recall it being 25 years ago. This is satisfaction.

My Agenda

I did not get the internship.

While I was a "strong candidate," they could not offer me an internship at this time. Really, I'm fine with this. I will stay in IC, maybe grow a garden, bike some, run some, work some, and recoup before my final year of coursework (!)

Today, I visited with my adviser for an hour. This is a special treat. Usually, I get a half an hour-- max. I was expecting to talk about summer options for employment, instead we talked about internships for next summer, course work and a research.

Good news--- life seems manageable. If all goes according to plan, I will only take two classes each semester next year.

Good news---comps. I have taken all but one class I need to comp in and I've survived. I will be sitting in on my Theory class again next year and strangely looking forward to it...sort of.

Research--- I solicited advice on research, looking for topics, ideas, research that can springboard me into particular career areas; a "research agenda" some call it. I'm feeling a bit lost with respects to research and realize that it can be a lonely thing to do by oneself. So, I asked my adviser for advice--- and her response?

I think what you need to do is follow your heart.

Not a bad agenda I suppose.

Early in the moring

It is not often that I wake up before dawn and have to consistently deny the urge to get out of bed and start typing. But, the inexplicable urge hit strong this morning.

Sometimes you cross a bridge and only in retrospect do you realize, “Wow, I just crossed that bridge.” That happened yesterday in a conversation with a professor. I needed to talk with her about my future plans. I’d felt myself becoming disconnected and listing a bit. That has been on my mind a lot lately. Questions of what am I doing here? Is this the best use of my time? And, is this really helping me? What is it that I really want to be doing? Should I just get my masters and move on?

In her cut to the chase manner she asked, Geography. Where do you want to go?

I’ve been practicing this response over and over several times, not too much out loud, but in my mind, for certain.

Iowa. I think I would like to stay in Iowa City, or there are a few other cities in Iowa I would consider, but I think I would like to stay in Iowa.

I feared her judgment. Who really wants to stay in Iowa?

My fears were allayed when she bypassed her usually disapprovals and went straight to, This is what you have to do...

She gave honest advice that was difficult to hear, but at least it was real advice.

The Buck Stops With the Intern

It was a total craps shoot; like I'm discovering most things in grad school seem to be. But, I applied to a couple of internships for this summer. Why? Because I suppose it is what you do. For "experience." Had you asked me in February, it would have taken two hands to list the names of places to which I intended to apply. Today, I can tell you just using just two fingers. Coursework and lack of motivation hindered me. Mind you, these internships are much more competitive than one might expect. Around the office, we have our own March Madness...interviews, internship offers, second interviews, job offers; we need brackets to organize everyone's advancements.

About a week ago, I received an e-mail from one of the two internships to which I applied. When I saw the subject line, I sunk. I've been conditioned now to just expect rejection. (I've experienced my share of rejection letters this past year for various things.) I've become so conditioned, that I now skip the first sentence and go strait to the second sentence, "We regret to inform you..." or "However..." But, this email was different, I actually made the cut. I was shocked.

So, I had my phone interview last week. It went okay. I didn't nail the interview, but I didn't fail it either. It was probably an adequate showing for my first interview in over 6 years. One of the questions, though, surprised me. Here, these national experts with PhDs punctuating their names, who get paid the big bucks, asked me one question. It was a challenging one. One to which there was not a right answer, yet one one on which major policy decisions are contingent upon the answer. I gave a nervous chuckle and responded, "That is a really good question." They replied, "there is no right answer, we just want to know what you would say, this is what we deal with on a daily basis." I gave the best answer I could, stumbled my way through, feeling my confidence plummet.

I honestly don't think I got the job and would be really happy to just hanging out in Iowa City this summer. Part of me doesn't want the internship because of the hassle it will create in my life. I came here because I wanted to learn; not necessarily because I want a lucrative job post graduation; I was just really curious about decision making, research, statistics, testing. I wanted to know how tough decisions were made, what inferences could legitimately be drawn. I wanted to know who has the power to mold such policy, and I learned... in some cases, it is the intern.